Turning Back The Clock….

Something we all wish we could do. There are experiences, and events in all of our lives that we wish hadn’t happened; ones that we had acted, or reacted to differently. Unfortunately, turning back the clock isn’t an option that anyone has (unless, that is if you have a time machine; if you do and are holding out on me; you stuck). Every event in our lives, good or bad; happen for a reason; what that reason is, we may not know at that time; if ever. That being said each one of those events molds us, they prepare us for the future; they may not help us in the moment, or even turn out any way favorable; but if we are intelligent they help us grow; and hopefully in similar situations we are able to take our past experience(s) and use them to ensure more favorable results.

I am not one of those intelligent people. In fact I am far from it. I am one of those people who will, without a shadow of a doubt; will do exactly the same thing they did in a like experience or moment; many times prior, and will not even think about the outcome or results until after everything is said and done. Do not; in any circumstance be like me; it will only ensure that you endure more hardship or heart ache. This I promise you.

I’m not one to look back and wish I could roll back time. I would rather fly forward. I’ve spent far too much time in recent months (to be completely honest more like past three years) looking back trying to piece things together and to make or find a person to blame for an accident, wasted time running from my ghost (living in my own shadow; by the way I don’t recommended this) letting PTSD and anxiety run my life; and it drove me crazy. I let myself become so lost in a past that is so fragmented in my mind; I was trapped in a hell of my own making, stuck on things I don’t remember; and in the process I ran away from everyone that had been my support. I was mad at the people in my life because they know more about the past 2 and a half years of my life than I do. I slowly began getting rid of everyone, lashing out, shutting down, falling further and further away into a dark dismal place the more I recovered from my TBI the more I started to distance myself from everything and everyone. Rather than accept the up and downs I had no control over and could not change ; I did exactly what I was told not to do ~ I took it out on the people around me ~ knowing that they hadn’t had an easy ride. My perspective, that there was no way they could ever begin to understand what it was/is like ~ well it was/is correct, one the other side of that- I can’t begin to understand what they have experienced (perspective).

I did the opposite of what I said I would do, I ran away; and it was the best thing, could have ever for myself, yes I broke some promises, and in removing my back up I was forced to deal with and figure things out- on my own. I was forced to step way outside of what had become an unacceptable comfortably uncomfortable norm of self-imposed isolation, in a free fall of self-destruction, one that went unchecked becoming more irrational, emotional, and uncontrollable rapidly, so I took off… the very thing I had promised not to do. And it showed me that I was able to do things; that I could curb my anxiety, master my PTSD, and deal with whatever the Universe threw at me…

There were many moments where anxiety almost got the best of me. I was in a different state, one where I didn’t know many people ~ and those l did know hadn’t there for everything; so they didn’t know much if anything about what had happened. I didn’t have my hiding spots, or the people that had come and pulled me out of the truck, and reassured for the thousandth (or millionth) time that I was safe, there was nothing to apologize for, that I wasn’t in the way, and that how I fell was valid and nobody was judging… after several times explaining to a few People and apologizing; and for asking for them to bear with me and not think I was crazy for the question I was going to ask, and being told that it wasn’t weird or unfounded based on the experiences I have had. I stopped introducing myself and then preemptively apologizing if I got weird and explaining I had a head injury, and that I had been told someone was trying to kill me, and that I couldn’t eat anything that wasn’t from a sealed package.. And I pretty much stopped asking if the place I was, was safe, and if the food was safe and wasn’t poisoned.

I had to confront subjects that were the cause of my PTSD head on ~ work through them; and change the emotional and cognitive response. That war hasn’t won, it may never be, but I have identified more triggers and gotten better at catching it before it spirals. Not everyone gets the joy of living a Stephen King novel. How many people can say they had a cannible who was arrested for murdering someone and eating them, tell them their landlord was trying to kill them and trying get them away and safe ~ that’s one finger no one else will get to put down playing never have I ever.

It’s month and a half since I took off. Looking back it was a horrible recipe for disaster ~ but wasn’t. I made some new friends, picked up a hitch hiker with a samurai sword and drove him to DSHS, sold a painting (the first!!!!!!). Talked to strangers, found some cool spots (if ever in Portland I recommend the Grotto and Washington Park), cooked steak on a charcoal grill in Goble OR, didn’t die, went camping (in a truck but still camping), pieced some memories together, ate food made by strangers (something rather difficult for me due to PTSD), handled a couple truck breakdowns (something that used to immobilize me), avoided hospitals, and road tripped with someone that I’d known less than 48 hours. I started living again; started to take my life back. Stopped looking back- and started living in the present. Taking the experiences of the past three years ~ recognizing they happened ~ accepting them ~ and realizing I am not as weird as I though; but still pretty fucking weird- concluded that being normal is boring, and who wants that ~thank the gods I am not. Best of all I’ve started recognizing the person in the mirror (and I like what I see), got some self-confidence back (about fucking time), regained some self-worth (again long over due), and am more comfortable in my skin (most days, still have some I struggle with). Oh and I didn’t die.

So for now a man and his dog relax in a huge bed. Thankful to still be breathing. Knowing we aren’t not out of the woods yet, but that we are on the way. Changing the cognitive and emotional responses to subjects and events; using DBT and CBT, and breathing exercises to kick anxiety‘s ass, and Dick punching PTSD. Slowly something that resembles a like 1 remember is coming to fruition, only its better; thanks to learning how to stop and smell not just the Roses but every flower ( and tree, and and bush, and blade of grass, and rock….. Thanks to puppers). Smiling more. Everyday, and appreciating the new talents I have gained from a tragic accident. Oh and grandma; wherever you are; I’m happy, and maybe someday, well that’s today and everyday. Till next tie kids, live everyday, feel every emotion, and stop and breath, don’t get stuck looking back; it only slows you down, and do something everyday that terrifies you. Biß spater!