Struggles, Being Overwhelmed, Stimulation….
The recount of one day early on in the experiences (I can’t place it, but maybe someday)..
Today wasn’t much of a struggle. The laundromat was where it became a bit overwhelming. For a jumper (what I’ve coined this experience, due to its seeming likeness to time travel); the signs, lights, noises, people, and tasks all crammed into one tiny room; is like being a person standing on the tarmac at Atlanta International Airport, at Christmas; deer in headlights. At first, I did okay; coins in, washers loaded; over the next hour; I started to choke, freeze, blink, cold sweat; then earbuds in; sunglasses were on the duration; but again doing it the Joel way; don’t listen to the doctor; so too late for the sound barrier.
The drive home; terribly unbearable at the start. My friend, the artist I room with, the driver; having to deal with my horrible dictation on how to drive my truck.
It took me about an hour to settle once home. Regain my abilities. Or cognitive skills. You see for a jumper, stimulation like that is more than our brains can process. To the point of tears, well almost.
So, while that aspect was good later at night; I recalled a memory, from when I first moved down to Seattle. One where I was walking my two dogs; and the younger stopped to ask a homeless gentleman for some chicken and we broke bread with him. As I recalled this memory; I realized I did have a heart. Then I became stuck. Um, was the only thing I could say. It was terrifying; it was like being frozen inside the smallest corner of my mind.
These days seem to be more downs than ups, at least in my mind brain. Looking at the pages in the black book; I see notes, not of fun days past; but rather lists of symptoms, angry scribbles, confused ramblings, and list of labs, future tests, and more ologist appointments.
Most of the time I feel crazy. The bulk of the medical professional not helping in that area. Running the same lab; ER employees referring to you as a frequent flier; leaving you waiting for nothing to not give you answers and throwing discharge paperwork at you. Telling your emergency contact they would call to let them know you needed a ride; then letting you leave to walk home terrified with no knowledge as to who, what, when, where, or why.
For now, the insane discontented disjointed jabbering’s of a man and his sad faced dog still waiting for that ball to be thrown; pause, for a moment; waiting for that day that seems ever so far away. The day where answers are found; normality returns, black sky’s return to blue, and the complexity of once simple tasks falls away. Until then we will continue to forget to hit post, press send, and return calls; hoping that people continue to understand, forgive, and be forgetful.
