Reign of fire

Do we ever really know who we are, what we are, where we are? Or is it all just a race to some unknown finish that never gives us peace, or the answers that we long for?

Every day is a struggle; one in which I’m never sure if will be the victor. Then again does anyone. Only this is for certain, none of us make it out of here alive. All we have is today, what does that mean? If you have that answer, you are the wisest person on the planet; or at least you know far more than I.

Lately, I’m finding I know less than I thought I did. I know less about my body, less about the world, and less about myself. Everything I know is essentially meaningless. Not in the sense that it’s devoid of meaning, but rather doesn’t actually have a spot that benefits.

Years spent studying one subject; seem like such a waste. A waste because those degrees don’t get you the job they promise. They collect dust, they rob you of a life of experience. You spend so much time studying that you don’t experience. In the end I’ve found; they weren’t worth it.

Every day I struggle to find meaning, value, acceptance, love; every day something new hurts. Every day I wonder if it’s going to get better. If I’ll be back in a hospital for more labs. Only to find no answer. The last hospital visit gave no more answers; it only presented more questions. Recommended more labs. Gave no clarity. Only more disruption. Now I sit waiting to go in hoping that this lab will give serenity. I mean if you’re going to stick a needle in my throat and remove some tissue and look at it maybe you’ll find an answer. And then again, after all the blood drawn; still really no answers.

So, with so many questions where does one find answers? Recently, I found the more my life doesn’t make sense; strangely better it becomes. That, while we all think we have control, none of us actually do. Control is a misconception, and misperception, and misdirection. It’s something everyone wants, because nobody has it. When I was a kid my grandmother watched her husband die; rapidly. Brain cancer took him so fast. The big C, my scary word. One that still might be a reality, you see my lymph node grew over centimeter and a half in a matter of weeks once everything else was already under control. So now I sit and I wait. I wait to go in for another lab and there’s nothing worse than the hurry up and wait game.

So, while my body goes haywire; and I sit here sometimes completely irrational, overreacting at stupid things, not reacting at others; I recognize how lucky I am. Lucky because people stand by, dealing with all of it, watching me in my own personal hell; not knowing what to expect. Forced into decisions, forced to break promises, and forced to Question everything, not really knowing if who I was, is who I am or what I will become.

And the ramblings of a crazy Alaskan a man and his dog continue, not knowing which direction the winding road will take. Each day a blessing and a curse, where loneliness seems to real; and isolation lurks in the shadows. Truly a stranger in a strange land.