Not my life…

Now I know better than anyone that life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and unicorns that shit skittles; but waking up and realizing that your life is not where you thought it would be, or where you want it to be it’s a hard pill to swallow whatever the reason. My life isn’t anything like what I had planned for or hoped. I’m depressed, I’m more than that I’m a hot mess; a train wreck if you will.

I shouldn’t be, that’s the problem. I have good people in my life; or at least had them. That is until I pushed them all away. My health (physical) is improving everyday, but the past few years have worn me down to at least in my eyes a fragmented shell of the person I used to be.

I don’t have the self-image that I should when I look in the mirror. What I see is more like something in a not so fun house mirror, a distorted ducked up figure. I don’t see what others do; I see a person who hasn’t succeeded. I don’t see attractive, or intelligent; I see broken, bruised, crippled and lame.

I don’t like what I see, in fact I hate it. Even those other find out think are attractive has self-image and self-worth issues. I see something that doesn’t remotely resemble the person I used to know and the person I have my friends talk about. I’m not confident, I don’t have self-esteem; I’m beaten down struggling to figure out how to move forward.

I’m at a point where it would be extremely easy to just throw in the towel; and the people that are still in my life are probably about to let me. I’m in the way. At least that is how I feel. I’m a burden to everyone as they don’t know how to help me. Nor do I know how they can.

I’m a shattered mirror, the pieces scattered across the floor, the slivers needed to repair it microscopic and thus seemingly impossible to mend. Like a tattered work tapestry of days of old, there is a story there; however it’s Impossible to tell as the parts that used to shine bought are faded by the sun’s rays. You can see the outline, but that’s about it.

Living in the past I can’t remember isn’t Helping me or anyone. It’s quite destructive actually; I recognize that completely. The difficult and damn near impossible thing is how to just let go of all of the pain and loss I have and do what everyone else seems to have already figured out how to do.

I see everyone else and it’s As if they were given the cheat codes for how to deal with trauma, loss, and the rest of the horrible shot that happens in ones life. like I was the only one who didn’t Make it to class the day that lesson was taught. If there is any one out there that has an extra copy of the text book please be kind and send it my way.

I’m at a loss; stuck in a chapter of a novel as bar as Moby Dick, only not a classic, nor is it a nice vintage Cabernet Sauvignon, it’s a cheap merlot, or mad dog 20/20. You know the kind that gives you a headache and an upset stomach and leaves you feeling like shit the next morning.

I would give anything to be unstuck, to not be trapped in my mind. To be able to love myself like those around me try to. To think that in was special or worth something. To not feel useless or worthless. Every day I battle with this huge elephant in the room. Everyday it seems I lose the war. Everyday I get closer and closer to giving up.

So for now the man and gods dog sit alone in a world plagued by self doubt, anger, loss, and a fucked off self image. Hopefully the clouds above our heads will start to lift soon, so that we can rejoin those that are missing from our lives. So that we might be able to feel the sun shine, not have to wear a mask and pretend (poorly) that we are okay. Until then fingers crossed that we don’t fail on our mission back to the same planet everyone else is on, and that we figure out how to leave this black hole that is my mind, and figure out if it is the red pill or the blue pill that pulls us out of the looking glass. Maybe tomorrow we figure out the way home.