Hypochondriacism, life, and I…..

Seriously, daily I question if I maybe I have this apparently horrid disorder where one thinks they have everything possible ailment know to man. I then question my sanity, and just about everything else imaginable. Before judging, I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes. While I maybe a tad over the top, when everyone tells you that your full time job is currently your health, every tick and gurgle and…. What I’m getting at is that when you have nothing to think abut other than the internal workings of your body, it’s difficult to not think that every little tick might be off.

Mind you Prior to December 2010 I hadn’t been in a hospital in like nine years. Not even for so much as a cough. So to go from nothing to several appointments a week is a tad bit overwhelming. So much so that my friends and I created some urban slang on urban dictionary. Olyjust, when you have every ologist, and you can’t be taken seriously by anyone because for months you’ve been trying to figure out what the doctors can’t. Trying to solve a riddle having most of the clues. They don’t have the time, I’ve got nothing but. That’s where it gets fucked off.

You see the head injury and the fact that I don’t have a medical degree mean that I’m unable to comprehend a god damn thing. I’m told that I’m stuck and that I need to leave it alone. Give it a break. That I need to give it time.

Well here’s the thing. I don’t have fucking time. I don’t have anymore fucking time to wait. I’m sick. I’ve been fucking sick for over a year. The only fucking thing that people want to focus on is the fucking HIV that is FUCKING MANAGED, but let’s ignore the bone infection, the tooth that was there needing to come out for a year, the hep c, the asthma, the…. Ignore the things that can kill me that are untreated. Because at Virginia mason; I have a history since I was honest about drug and alcohol use in the ER over a year ago when the doctor failed to do his job. At Swedish I’m a frequent flyer according to nursing staff at both Seattle locations. At Harbourview they don’t have the time to properly review the chart. University of Washington Medical, overbooked and try but just a number.

So I’m a hypochondriac, the crazy guy who got hit in the head. The homeless drug addict with HIV, the guy who can’t remember, the dude that’s been fucked off and fucked around by one too many people who assumed that because my chart says cognitive disorder that I don’t have the ability to figure out what’s wrong.

I can’t possibly know what my body is doing, as I live in it. The worms my dog had, because he goes everywhere with me, has to share a chair at the shelter I go to, couldn’t possibly have those. Nor could it be the bone infection that’s been in my face for a year. So tonight after over a year and a half of trying; I concede. I will admit that I must not be anything more that a drug addicted street rat. So there’s no way I could figure anything out.

Oh did I mention I’ve been doing most of it on my own? Yea friends have helped with the day to day of reminding the guy who’s had no appetite to eat, or getting places, but I’ve been the one putting in the work, living in the body. Since The eye pain and other shit that all pints to a parasite that like the other GI issues I got from a shower in a medical facility can’t be the cause, I give up.

So with that the man and his dog are done with the journey for health. We shall now just continue to live on the streets because housing won’t happen, and medical, we’ve spent too much time in hospitals. So here’s to the parasite eating the brain. Thanks.

A Man, A Dog & Their Road to Health | Sleepless inSouth Beacon Hill | Fierce Ramblings of an HIV+ gay male longing the day when the struggle ends & life begin.

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Joel Jared Ehmann

A Man, A Dog & Their Road to Health | Sleepless inSouth Beacon Hill | Fierce Ramblings of an HIV+ gay male longing the day when the struggle ends & life begin.