Drifting…

The new year, a new me; one that is struggling to find a place; not that I don’t have one, but with all that has changed trying to come to terms with it all poses difficulty. I know not who I am; well I do but I am not sure how this new person fits; or how to accept the losses and bits of me I feel were stolen as the six months of the past year are still but a jumble of nonlinear events with large gaps.

Processing the time and loss of what I knew me to be; is proving to be harder than I thought. Add on all of the insanity of the past three years and what you find is a person who is struggling with identity; and who is grasping to come to terms all of the changes. As it is right now uncertainty is the biggest burden.

Things that seemed so commonplace, aspects of life that were so mundane and taken for granted; are now just out of reach, a struggle to perform, or seem to not be options. When left became right and up became down; treading water became more than impossible.

Yet here I am. Homeless. With what I have learned but yet to accept isn’t just common; but majority. Here in Seattle it seems that the majority of the people I have come to know in the last year are. The resources are there but the fight for them daunting. Housing; that’s one that would seem like a no brainer; yet I’ve slept in my truck the past three days and that’s almost becoming the norm.

When one loses their safe space and and the car becomes the sanctuary; how can you keep from turning away from Sicilian norms? This may seem like a silly question; but when the resources are tedious and built for failure; hoping that you will give up; what keeps you moving? For me it’s the dream; one where I have that space where I can open doors again to those who need a roof. The hope that someday again I’ll return to work; and be able to make my shattered world whole again. Even on my darkest days I still have hope. Because on those days; the days that are the darkest; I look to my friends for the light; and I let them guide me home.

For now the hungry homeless man and his dog settle in for a warm night at a friends. Away from the storm that is the world outside; thankful for the love and support; and hopeful that tomorrow will soon be a day of rainbows and butterflies; accepting that there is more good than bad; and not losing sight of all that we have.